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Why now?

December 18, 2006

So, I lure Damon out east and then decide to just take off the minute he’s settled in? That’s not exactly what happened, but as it has been jokingly suggested by more than one bystander, I thought the “Why now?” might be worth sharing. I had hoped to take this trip last spring, but un-fun life events intervened, and I became convinced I might never get back on this particular horse. To call that realization ‘discouraging’ would be an understatement — I hated what it said about me and my future, in the big-picture sense. So back in October, I thought I’d start tip-toeing back in this direction and re-initiated CCS conversations with early 2008 in mind. I was certain it would take me that long to know if I was still up for it, to do the proper planning, to save enough money to cover the bills while I was gone and to regain the lost confidence and independence to undertake this sort of solo travel to an unfamiliar place.

And then CCS offered a way-too-soon start-date of February 2007. February 11th, in point of fact. Turns out that’s one year to the day I was assaulted by the intruder that broke into my home while I slept. The day that asshole changed everything about how I see the world and myself in it. I couldn’t believe the timing: the coincidence seemed almost too perfect — cliched, even. But, funny thing, coincidences. Often times they’re not. So, the hell with planning, and organizing, and a gentle, tentative easing back into something resembling normal for me. Here’s what I think about lost confidence and M.I.A. independence: screw the baby steps. I’m going to India and I’m going in seven weeks. Whoa.

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3 comments

  1. It does not seem strange to me, that the time to reach out to others is when you feel the strongest. And with the self confidence you have shown lately I am not at all surprised.
    Apart from the moments you think about that sick little creep ( that you actually hurt and kicked ot of your house) I get the impession you nowadays feel quite strong and safe.
    What an amazing way to show it. And somehow I don’t believe D feels tricked or disappointed at all. Just yet another thing to be proud of.

    You really make living vicariously interesting.


  2. My philosophy in life means I don’t believe in coincidences. I think it’s great that February 11th is now going to be a positive remembrance for you. I’m sure you’ll never forget what happened in February 2006, but it sounds as if you’ll be too busy to think of that very often during the month you are away.

    Leaving the country for a few weeks just after you get engaged might strike some people as strange, but you and D have not had a conventional relationship from the beginning, so why would you start now :D?


  3. And why not now? There are a hundred reasons not to go just now, I’m sure, but there will *always* be a hundred reasons not to go. If you delayed this until later, it would just be a different set of reasons not to go.

    Go! Go now – well not right now but you know what I mean!



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